Startled by Hostility

One of the hardest things for me to accept – even to be aware of – was my own hostility. A few years ago, I realized that I had had a subterranean well of it. The awareness of it came to be because I noticed how much difficulty I had encountering the hostility of others. I found it very distressing. At the same time, I believe that we are 100% responsible for the results of interactions we notice around us. As I have lived this orientation, it gradually became clear that the hostility I found distressing was my own.

This was more than a bit startling. I value creating interactions based on respect and inclusion. I had dedicated my life to speaking up, diplomacy and consensus building. But, I asked myself, what does all of that mean if I won’t see or include my own hostility, to wit: my own frustrated objectives/desires?

It meant that I had been withholding part of myself. All I think about all day long is communication and it turned out that I had avoided communicating. How about that? I had been contravening my own values. It really set me back on my heels. The bottom line is that there is no communicating nor achievement of consensus when information is withheld and left off the table. Further, withholding in any interaction is a signal that the others involved are also likely withholding something, so it’s worth noticing in yourself.

Communication is the root of all effectiveness. Get curious about what you are not sharing.